Jul 272012

1. When does a clock go back four seconds?

2. What did the coach tell the runner who was afraid of hurdles?

3. Did you hear about the guy who fell in an upholstery machine?

4. What do you call a woman who stands between to goal posts?

5. Why did the can crusher quit his job?

6. What barks, can balance a ball on its nose and lives in Washington?

7. If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

8. Why were the teacher’s eyed cross?

9. What did the pillow say when it fell off the bed?

Answers: 1.When it’s still hungry. 2.Get over it. 3. He’s fully recovered. 4. Annette. 5. He found it soda pressing. 6. A Presidential Seal. 7. Pilgrims 8. She couldn’t control her pupils. 9. Oh sheet.

Jul 202012

1. Why can’t you push an envelope? 

2. What happened to the thief who stole a calendar? 

3. What do you call a fake noodle? 

4. What kind of nut always seems to have a cold?

5. What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit?

6. How does Moses make his tea?

7. What’s Forrest Gump’s email password?

8. What kind of pants does Mario wear?

9. What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four leafed clover? 

10. Why was the scarecrow promoted?

Answers: 1. Because it’s stationary  2. He got 12 months. 3. An impasta. 4. A cashew. 5. Neck-Tarine 6. Hebrews it. 7. 1forrest1 8. Denim Denim Denim. 9. A rash of good luck. 10. He’s outstanding in his field.


Jul 182012

A few weeks ago I was out to dinner at Hacienda with my friends Jill and Darryl as we do most Sundays.  I see a man walked in and sit down at the table behind us.  The waiter greeted him; he ordered water and began to devour the chips and salsa on the table.  The waiter came back with refills and asked if he wanted to order.  The man replied that he was waiting on someone and he would wait.  He then went back to eating the chips and salsa at which point he started using his finger to spoon the salsa into his mouth.  It was at this point it became obvious what was going on. The man was homeless and had come in to get out of the heat and get some free food.  He proceeded to eat three baskets of chips and then walked out.   After he walked out Jill asked if we thought he was homeless.  We all agreed that he most likely was.  Jill is a kind and gentle person and always sees the good in person.  She said that she felt sorry for him and that he must be starving ate the salsa with his fingers.  She seemed so troubled by this man and walked outside to see if he was still around.  He was sitting on the park bench outside.  She said, “I don’t mean to offend you but I’d like to buy you something to eat.”  The man said he wasn’t offended and would take her up on her offer.  He came back in Jill ordered him some type of taco platter.   When his plate of food arrived he ate it almost as quickly as he had the three baskets of chips prior.  He waved as he left and thanked her. 

This act of kindness is more than I would have and did do in the same situation.  I admitted to Jill and Darryl that as bad as I felt but I would not have done the same.  I told Jill that she is a much better person than I am and it was very nice of her to do that.  Later that night I was thinking about the man and many other people in the same situation.  I’m ashamed to say that when I see homeless people with signs I’m annoyed. I judge them for what they are doing. I think me myself isn’t there a help wanted sign a few blocks over?  Granted sometimes they aren’t the best jobs but a job is a job.  I don’t think you should be too proud to work at McDonald’s.  I’ve had many jobs that I wasn’t proud to be doing but you do what you have to do to survive.  When I was reflecting I realized that I don’t know these people.  I don’t know why they doing what they are doing.  It isn’t my place to judge anyone. 

As I’ve said before I know that I’m a work in progress but my judgment something that is very troubling to me. I realize that I need some work in this area and to be more understanding.  The Gold Rule says, ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’ I know I would want someone to help me if I were in need.  I’m going to see what I can do in my community to help. I do not have money to give to charity but I can give my time and prayers.  I’m going to try to be less judgmental and not turn a blind eye.  Hopefully I can turn over a new leaf and continue on my journey of being a better Christian.

Jul 132012

I couldn’t find any good Friday the 13th jokes. So I thought I’d share the cartoon instead. I hope these jokes and one liners will do the trick though.

1. How do you get 99 old ladies to curse at the same time?

2. What’s the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern fairy tale? 

3. What’s the best time to go to the dentist?

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Answers: 1. Yell Bingo! 2.A Northern fairy tale begins, “Once upon a time…” A Southern fairytale begins, “Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit…” 3. At tooth hurty.

Jul 062012

1.Why was the police man in bed? 

2. Why did the mother cat move her kittens?

3. What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus?

4. How do you make an orange laugh? 

5. Why did the clock break? 

6. How do mules open locked barns?

7. What do you get when you send a cow toAlaska? 

8.  How do you communicate with a fish?

I hope evreyone had a good 4th of July.  Nothing say America like over eating, getting drunk, and setting stuff on fire. 

Answers: 1.Because he was an undercover cop. 2. She didn’t want to litter. 3. A porkypine. 4.  Tickle it’s navel. 5. It was his time. 6. With Don-keys. 7. Cold Cream. 8. You drop it a line.