Jun 292012

1. What do you call a dance sponsored by a butcher? 

2. What are 30 rabbits in a row marching backwards?

3. Why did the little shoe need counseling? 

4. Why does is take longer to run from 2nd base to 3rd base, then it does to run from 1st base to 2nd base? 

5. What’s a sleeping bull? 

6. Why did the farmer kick his chickens out his farm? 

7. How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? 

8. When is a car, not a car? 

9. What runs around a cow pasture but never moves? 

10.  What stay in bed most of the day but sometimes will go to the bank? 

I started out my day today with a bad experience but it’s funny so I thought it would go with the Funny Friday.  Let me start out by saying I hate bugs!  Flying bugs are the worst but spiders, and roaches freak me out as well.  So this morning when I was getting out of the shower and saw a giant roach on the shower curtain I panicked.  I flew out of the shower dripping water and all. I took a minute to gather myself and get dressed before tackling the beast in my bathroom.  I knew I didn’t want to take the change of the roach getting on me.  I decided arming myself with a mop and broom would be the best way of  killing it at a safe distance.  I used the mop to pull the curtains apart to see if the demon was still there.  As I peeled it back the beast showed itself, once again sending me screaming out of the room.  I felt gross just watching it crawl around.  I went back for round 2 pushing the whole curtain into the tub and hit the curtain over and over.  I was thinking maybe I could knock it off and then turn the water on and send it down the drain.  This was unsuccessful.  I pulled the curtain back with mop again and hit the roach with the broom I had in my other hand.  This little sucker did not move.  It was almost like it was glued to the curtain.  At this point I decided that the roach meant business and I had to get to work so I left it.  I’m really hoping that when I get home from work the roach will have died of natural causes and I won’t have to do anything other than flush it.  I have a feeling I won’t be that lucky and I’m going to shower in fear for a while.  Roach – 1 Sarah – 0

 Answers: 1. A meatball 2. A receding hairline. 3.Because it’s dad was a loafer and it’s mom was a sneaker. 4. Because there is a shortstop in-between. 5. A bulldozer. 6. Because they used fowl language. 7. One. But the light bulb really has to want to change.  8. When it turns into a driveway. 9. A fence. 10. A Stream

Jun 222012

1. What do you get when you cross a rooster and a duck?

2. What has no beginning, no ending and nothing in the middle?

3. What types of jokes do vegetables like best? 

4. Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? 

5. What is round and really violent? 

6. If fruit comes from a fruit tree, then what kind of tree does chicken come from? 

7. How do you fix a broken tomato?

8. Why did the man put his car in the oven? 

9. Why do baby pigs eat so much? 

10. What was the ant charged with for killing the other ant?

I missed last Fridays jokes because my site wasn’t working.  It’s all better now and back up spreading joy one bad joke at a time.

Answers: 1. A bird that gets up at the quack of dawn. 2. A doughnut. 3. Corny Ones 4. Because they kept saying Bach Bach Bach. 5. A vicious circle. 6. A poul-tree. 7. With tomato paste 8. He wanted a hot rod. 9. Because they want to make hogs of themselves. 10. Pesticide in the first degree.

Jun 182012

Boiling an egg is one of the easiest things to cook, if you even consider it cooking.  There are six easy steps:

1. Place the raw egg in a saucepan.

2. Run cold water into the saucepan until the water is 1 inch above the egg.

3. Place the saucepan on a stove and cook over medium heat until the water begins to boil.

4. Reduce the heat to low.

5. Simmer for 2 to 3 minutes for soft-boiled eggs or 10 to 15 minutes for hard-boiled eggs.

6. Remove the egg with a spoon or ladle and let it cool slowly, or run cold water over it to cool it more quickly.

Disclaimer: Do not use my cooking methods!  I repeat, do not use my cooking methods. 

I’m going to start out this story saying that I was operating only a few hours sleep.  I am a grandma (not literally) and usually go to bed around 10 but was up until the wee hours of the morning. I had just gotten home from my nephew’s baseball game and had a little time before I was going up to my parent’s house to celebrate Father’s Day.  I thought I’d be on top of things and boil some eggs to have for breakfast for the next week.  I put the eggs in the pot, filled it with water and put it on the stove on med high.  I thought I’d speed up the process by cooking it on a higher temperature than I usually do.   I went into the living room to catch up on some shows I’d recorded.  I watched a little tv until it was time for me to head over to my parent’s.  I went into the kitchen got a bottle of water, grabbed my phone, keys, and purse.  I locked up and headed out.  I visited my parents and about an hour later we sat down to eat.  We were having a nice dinner of ribs, potato salad, cucumber salad, and deviled eggs.  I do not like deviled eggs because I don’t like to eat the yolk of a hard-boiled egg, I only eat the whites.  My Mom being the great lady she is she set a side some whites for me to have.  I had filled my plate and was taking a bite of the egg when it hit me.  I left the eggs on the stove!!!  Not wanting to panic my family at my stupidity, I calmly walked over picked up my phone and excused myself to the bedroom.  I called my boyfriend who only lives 5 minutes away from my house and asked him to turn the stove off.  At this point the eggs had been cooking/burning for about an hour and a half.  A few minutes later I received this text. 

I knew  going  home was not going to be fun so I decided to just enjoy my dinner.  I finished my evening with my family and headed home to face the consequences of my dumb dumb actions.  I was expecting a mess but what I hadn’t thought about was the smell.  Regular hard-boiled eggs don’t smell great to begin with when you peel them.  I opened my front door to the smell burnt and exploded eggs hitting me in the face.  I was taken a back by it.  Over the years I’ve burnt popcorn, pizza, and over flowed a pot of potatoes but nothing compares to the smell of these eggs.  The first thing I did was open the door to try to get the smell out.  I then decided that I needed to document my stupidity and take pictures.  After which I took the pot of charred eggs outside to try to get rid of some of the stench.  I had never thought about how much of a mess exploded eggs would make.  There was egg shells and yoke everywhere.  I cleaned up and began the process of cleaning the pot I had violated.  I actually debated throwing in the towel and just pitching the pot but I didn’t because it is my favorite one.  I chipped away at the burnt egg remains for about 15 minutes before I decided to let to soak over night.  I brought air fresheners into the kitchen and sprayed the whole house with room spray to try to make it bearable.  I then did the most important step; I put my smoke alarm up.  I text my boyfriend to tell him I had done so.  I wouldn’t want him to be worried I would burn my house down with at least a warning from now on. 

                                                        The smell in my house of egg-travaganza has started to fade but was still there this morning.  What I’ve learned from the whole ordeal is that I should use a timer, I should buy a timer, the smell of burnt eggs stays in your nose for a while, and I’m too old to stay up late without any caffeine.   Boiling eggs is an easy task when done properly but I now know how badly it can go wrong.  Not to self: over an hour on the stove for eggs is too long.

Jun 082012

1. Why do watermelons have water in them?

2. What do you call a mother cow after giving birth?

3. Why do the male deer need braces? 

4.What’s the biggest problem with snow boots? 

5.Whats brown and sounds like a bell?

6. What does a houseboat become when it grows up? 

7. What did the evil chicken lay?

8.Why did the house go to the doctor? 

Here’s some food for thought for the weekend, if a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Answers: 1. Because you plant them in the Spring. 2.Decaffinated 3.Because he has buck teeth. 4. They melt 5. Dung 6. A Township 7. Deviled Eggs 8. Because it has a window pane.

Jun 012012

1.What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?

2.What did one hat say to another?

3. What do you do with epileptic lettuce?

4. Why was the sand wet?

5. What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

6. What do you call a pig that does karate?

7. How much does a pirate pay for corn?

8. What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?

9. What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?

10. What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

Number 10 is dedicated to the Miami man who was acting like a zombie and ate a man’s faceoff.  This is just making all the Doomsday preppers say, “I told you so.”

Answers: 1.Claude 2.You stay here, I’ll go on a head. 3. You make a seizure salad. 4.Because the sea weed. 5. Roberto 6. A Pork Chop 7. A buccaneer. 8.Bi-son 9. Dam 10. He wipes.